I know a man who has grown children who told us that he wished he’d read more parenting books when he had young children.  He didn’t because he thought he was doing a pretty good job and didn’t need help.  And granted, his children have grown up to be responsible and charming young adults.  But looking back, he said he missed out on some great ideas because he didn’t read books that were recommended to him on parenting.  It was that conversation that  prompted me to pick up a classic parenting book last Fall called Dare to Discipline by James Dobson.

Although it took me months to finish this book, I finally plowed through it, took down some notes and have been thinking about what I’m going to say.   I hate to admit it, but books about discipline are not on my top ten list.  They are a bit cumbersome and are not about things I particularly want to read.  I have a feeling most parents feel this way.  I mean, who really likes to discipline their kids, yet alone read about it?  How many parents do you know that have read a book on discipline lately?  Probably not very many.  

We all agree with why we discipline:  we do it because we do not want to raise spoiled brats and we want them to grow up to be respectful young men and women of the world.  But there’s a deeper reason for reading parenting books that we often ignore during the hectic and tiring days of raising children:  There are others who are older and wiser that might impart some timely advice and encouragement while we are “in the trenches.”  

Don’t get me wrong, books won’t solve all my problems and there’s a lot to be learned in the trial and error tactics of parenting.   That’s why there are quite a few great parents out there who haven’t read a single parenting book…and that’s okay!  I picked this book up because I didn’t want to find myself like the man above years later, regretful that I never read any parenting books and tried out any new techniques.

 In many ways, this book was a confirmation that I am doing some things right and am headed in the right direction.  And that’s what parents need most during the exhausting years of raising young children, a little encouragement to carry on and persevere in the midst of all the tantrums and disobedience. However, if the thought of reading about discipline makes you break out in hives, or feel like a great failure in parenting, then stop reading now.  That’s the last thing I want to do.  This is merely one guy’s philosophy on discipline and certainly isn’t the end-all of parenting advice.  

Let me also add that I am still a learner too.  Even after all my high school teaching days (which taught me a lot about discipline because I had some terrible kids!), I still am learning to balance the responsibility of love and control, mercy and justice.  Some days I do well, others I do not.  That is the great difficulty in parenting. There is no perfect perfect, as there is no perfect child.

My hope is to share with you some of the things this book teaches in a simple way…

Dare to Discipline: Part One

The first four points he makes in disciplining your children include

1. Developing respect for parents in the critical factor in child management.  I feel like this first one is the point that you have to keep re-emphasizing with your child.  It doesn’t come overnight or after the first disciplinary event.  It’s an ongoing process.

2. The best opportunity to communicate comes after a disciplinary event.  I do agree with this and we will often have a sit down talk after she’s been disciplined.  Sometimes my daughter doesn’t want to talk; other times I can really tell she’s listening.  Either way, it’s good to emphasize the reason why the child was disciplined and to show them lots of love.

3. Control without nagging or yelling. This one is hard for me because nagging is so easy to do as a parent (without even realizing it).  But ultimately it is ineffective.  

4. Don’t saturate the child with materialism. I don’t think this is too much of an issue for us since we don’t have the money to “saturate” our child anyway. But it is interesting to note that Dobson’s connects materialism to a child’s behavior.  

Dobson also points out that  as a parent, “when you are defiantly challenged, you must win decisively.”  In other words, when the child is being “willfully disobedient” a parent should not give in to the child.  It’s about parental control, however at the same , it’s also about love.  The whole idea and philosophy behind his disciplinary philosophy is that it’s about trying to achieve a balance between love and control.

For the parent, it’s finding that balance that is difficult. 

(Part 2 of this series will arrive next Monday.  We will lighten up the mood the rest of this week.)